We should treat kids like animals

This is bloody disgusting. I heard a reference to Dog Bling on the radio a couple of weeks ago - Google it and prepare to hurl.

If humans want to adorn themselves with jewellery - fake or otherwise - than that is fair enough. That is all about reinforcing feelings of self worth, identity, culture, tribalism blah blah blah. But unless they are being prepared as a Sunday roast, why do we need to dress up our animals too? Do they actually give a stuff?

I'm not saying we shouldn't clothe them. I can almost sympathise with the little old ladies who put little tartan coats on shivering rodent-dogs, because without them they would die of hypothermia. It does of course beg the question why they need the rats on strings in the first place. Don't try that 'companionship' rubbish on me - what kind of moral and spiritual support could these nasty little mutant dogs provide anyone? They spend their pointless little lives either standing on window ledges in a wide-eyed catatonic state of terminal bewilderment, or on the rear parcel shelves of Nissan Micras yip-yipping automatically at anything that moves, as they slowly cook from the inside out because their owners neglect to provide any shade or air.

Yet however small the beasts are, they still crap like a lion on Ex-Lax. Dear old Doris has to carry a Waitrose bag around with her so that she can scoop Tricky Woo's oozings up, only to absent mindedly leave the bag under a park bench for some unfortunate toddler to discover.

"Look Mummy, I've found some Play DooDoo."

I'm not saying that all small dogs are rubbish. Jack Russells are totally cool. They are strong, sturdy little animals, packed full of natural character and would sooner gnaw their own leg off than stand for being dressed up like a Barbara Cartland voodoo doll.

The thing is this: if you want to make your dog happy then feed them and exercise them regularly, and when you are out, be prepared for them to jump into stagnant ponds and filthy ditches, roll in cow shit and eat manure. The look of utter satisfaction on a dog's face when he is plastered in mud and crap is worth far more than all the tatty bling in China.

And if you want to make your kids happy too, then the same applies. Apart of course from all that stuff about shit and manure...

An Evening with Arthur Smith

As I said in one of my first blog entries, I'm currently rehearsing for a part in my first play. OK, this is not strictly my first acting job, but I don't think I can really count my brief appearances as fourth shepherd in a 1971 school nativity or as Julius Caesar's wife Calpurnia in a sixth form production. For the record, it was a boys school and I was 11 years of age and still with an unbroken voice and anyway, why am I trying to justify myself to a blog?

Anyhoo, I am quite fortunate in that the local drama group I joined takes all of this drama stuff very seriously indeed. Not in a po-faced "Luvvy! Daaahling!" kind of way, but in that they want to do as good a job as possible. I am embarrassed to admit that one of the things putting me off from be involved for so long was Lynda Snell's overbearing efforts to put on a village panto every year in The Archers. Although there is of course the actors and the director, there are so many others that get involved in one way or another from the provision of props, sets, sound and lighting through to setting up the venue, selling ticket sales and publicity.

It's ironic that for a play that is about football, none of the cast have much of an interest in the game itself. But then you don't have to be a cat to be in, er, Cats. So, trying to exercise my new found acting techniques I try to think of something that I am equally passionate about as a reference. I remember suggesting to my co-actor Andrew at one point that he and I could use Doctor Who (as we're both fans), but in hindsight I realise this is possibly the saddest, nerdish thing that I have ever suggested. However I would like to point out that unlike me, Andrew can't use a nine year old son as an excuse for his obsession.

Overall I am enjoying the 'Am Dram' experience immensely. There is plenty of laughs and beer to be had, which is I think is as important as the end product of the play itself (three weeks and counting)...

So there I was one evening in front of the PC and I thought that I might send an email to the play's co-author, Arthur Smith, you know, as you do. Most people know Arthur as one of the Grumpy Old Men on BBC TV and for his appearances on on Radio 4's Excess Baggage and Loose Ends. But for those of my generation, we remember him back when he was a regular at the Comedy Store. So were we in fact, going there at least once a month during the Eighties. So many of the turns we saw ended up doing quite nicely for themselves, starting off as part of the Alternative Comedy backlash to Bernard Manning and his sort of 'humour' and ending up as part of the new comedy establishment.

Ah, those were the days... Paul Merton was Paul Martin, Jo Brand was Sea Monster and Julian Clary had a Fanny and was known as the Joan Collins Fan Club. When Eddie Izzard came on, he was in a tweed jacket, not a dress, and were unsure whether he was p***ed, stoned or just plain hatstand. Turned out to be the latter, and wonderfully so. Anyway, I digress.

Back to Arthur. As well as appearances at the Store, he was on TV as (among other things) the first milkman that Richie Rich murdered on Filthy, Rich and Catflap, and the backwards speaking barman in the Red Dwarf episode called, er, Backwards. So I did a quick Google, found his website and shot off a quick email to say "Hi" and that we were doing his play. I also asked about an 'interview' that supposedly takes place between Gary Lineker and Trevor Brooking. "Was it a real recording?" I asked. I wasn't really expecting a reply, especially since his website does warn that unless an email is 'very interesting indeed' then he will be 'not arsed to reply. I thought fair play, at least he's honest.

But blow me if he didn't reply, and with a promptness that puts my emailing to shame. He was pleased to hear that the play was still going and that the original recording was made by a then unknown Alaistair McGowan impersonating both Gary and Trevor. He then went on to wish us well in the production, hoped that the swearing wasn't too much for the audience, and that maybe he'd come by if there were any tickets left.

What a nice chap, I thought. So I thanked him for his reply, pointed out that we were in Norfolk and that it was a bit of a trek from Balham (where he lives) and told him a bit about how we too had worried about the swearing. The group had actually gone through the whole play to justify every rude word, taking out only those we thought were out of context or just too plain naughty to use. However, I said to Arthur, if he did want to see us he was welcome, and that he could bring his 'Grumpy Old Men' colleague Rick Wakeman along with him, as he just lives round the corner from us.

Arthur replied again and just as promptly as before, telling me a story about how they had to contend with the more sweary bits when they toured with the original production. And Mr Smith was even kind enough to give me a few words to include in the program. It also turned out that he used to go to the UEA in Norwich in 1975 (where the picture above was taken), and that he had an ex-girlfriend from the town where I live. Small world.

So if you ever read this Arthur, then once again thanks for taking the time out to reply. You really made my day.

That is assuming it was you, and not some spotty 12 year old hacker just winding me up...

Love is a Wet Puppy Dog

Sad but true: I have worked in and around IT for over 30 years. My first direct 'hands on' contact with a computer was at the Science Museum in about 1975. A new exhibition on computing had opened (parts of which still remain I believe) and the two exhibits I remember in particular were a terminal that ran a 'learning' guessing game and a 'digital' camera.

The game was very basic: you thought of an animal, and the computer would 'ask' questions until it either guessed it correctly or failed. If you beat the computer, it would ask you for question that could be used to correctly identify the animal another time. There is a far more sophisticated online version of the game called 20Q that has been played over 50 million times (Wiki entry here). My cousin bought me a handheld version for my birthday a couple of years ago, as she remembered going to the exhibition with me a couple of years later.

The digital camera was even more basic - well by today's standards. I think may parents paid 50p, and I was sat in front of a television camera. A few moments later, a dot matrix printer sprang into life, and a black and white print of my face began to emerge, composed of both ASCII characters and more solid graphic blocks. It was certainly recognisable as me, although it was a few years away from being a useful photographic tool.

I was trying to find an example of what they looked like without success. However, I did stumble upon a couple of similar examples that both predated and followed my own portrait. The contemporary example is a textportrait , although perhaps it uses the text as more of a mask than as a medium. You may have also come across meta images or photographic mosaics, where single images are made up of hundreds of smaller pixel-like elements. The other example actually dates back to 1969, and is probably recognisable to anyone who worked in an IBM environment, typically banks. I used to have a Snoopy calendar on my desk for years...

I found a link on the photographic mosaic wiki page to ASCII art which is close to my portrait but probably closer to the Snoopy above. Like so many web explorations, it seems that ASCII art is part of an even bigger Computer art scene that dates back for decades. If I come across an example that more closely resembles the picture I had taken, I'll post it.

And remember - although technology has moved on somewhat, there is a little bit of ASCII art in everyone =8-)X

The End is Nigh...

I know that there has been a lack of postings over the last couple of weeks, but this is because my spare time is focused on either learning those @!%£%$£ lines for AEWGL, or buying / selling turnips on Animal Crossing...

However, here is our Wiki inspired topic of the week - futures studies. Not sure how I got there but I think it was a case of six degrees of separation, starting with ontology.

Futures studies is about trying to predict the future, but in a slightly more scientific way than all that business involving tarot cards, runes, tea leaves and pricking of the thumbs. Rather, it relies on being able to interpret / process information about our world, both now and historically in such a way that allows us to describe a plausible future.

The scope of futures studies would seem to be as broad as the methods that are employed, and is perhaps analogous to the way that weather forecasts are made, in that however much is extrapolated from all the data accumulated over the decades, there is still an element of playing the odds and plain old guesswork involved. For every geosynchronous satellite there is a Sinclair C5.

It would seem that the difficulty is sifting through all the noise to focus on the import and and plausible predictions:

• Who would have considered that the paper written in 1900 by Constantin Perskyi the Russian Professor of Electricity and titled 'Television by means of electricity' would have been worth reading?
• How about George Orwell's world of 1984 where everyone would be watched over by telescreens (CCTV?)
• Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World' in 1932 was populated with designer test tube babies...

Perhaps another useful barometer is to monitor all the web addresses, patents and copyrights that are registered globally each year. If it is a possible future money maker, then someone will have registered their interest. Cocaine, LSD and cannabis are all registered trade marks, as are Bored Silly, Sad But True and Armageddon. The Patent Office's website is also worth a browse - my favourite world changer is the 'Sheep-protector and coyote-exterminator' from 1920.

Okay. No updates for a week, as I have been on a training course. Not feeling too inspired today I'm afraid, so here are five 'interesting' facts about Marmite (thanks to Jon for the idea).

1. Marmite is a French word, and translates as 'pot'. The picture above shows a model of Asterix and Obelix as children, trying to climb into a marmite full of magic potion.


2. Walkers Marmite crisps taste nothing like Marmite.


3. So far I have found a cat, dog, gerbil rat and pony called 'Marmite'. I even looked to see if there was a chicken called Marmite, but I don't think it was somebodies pet...


4. Although a lot of people refer to Vegemite as 'Australian Marmite' there is a version of Marmite in Australia as well. However it is actually made in New Zealand, and has sugar in it - yuck!


5. The main ingredient of Marmite is supposed to be spent brewer's yeast.

Personally, I prefer Vegemite to Marmite as you can spread it a lot more liberally...

Cheese Shop

Just a short filler today as I went out for lunch (when I normally write and publish my entries).

When I constructed this blog, I raced through the profile questions, putting 'cheese' down as my interest, and this has met with some surprise and even concern. I was being silly, but I do appreciate that for some people, you simply cannot be funny about cheese. Truth is that I do like cheese a lot, so here is my Cheesy Top 5 for all to share.

• La vache qui rit (Laughing Cow): As a kid it seemed so exotic to have different flavours of Dairylea. I didn't even know what shrimps were...
• Stinking Bishop: Very sticky soft English cheese that certainly does smell, although the name actually comes from the pears fermented to make the perry wash. Wash-rind cheeses use either alcohol or brine to encourage the growth of bacteria. The result is sticky cheese with attitude. Recently referred to in the Wallace and Gromit movie, which makes it a lot harder to get hold of now.
• Touraine Goat Cheese: Another a general fave, goat can often be a bit 'pissy' as Jane puts it. The best goat cheese I have had was made by a French artisan cheese maker in Touraine and was very dry, almost crumbly in texture. Fantastic.
• Torte di Dolcelatte: A guilty pleasure this one, dolcelatte is a sweet Italian cheese made from cow's milk, and is effectively Gorgonzola Lite as it is manufactured in the same way. The 'torte' part is a variation where dolcelatte is alternately layered with marscapone. Spread liberally on crusty bread as you would Philly.
• Vacherin Mont D'or: Another soft cow's milk cheese of Swiss / French origin. Nice on its own, or warmed as an indulgent fondue. Soft, piney and light.

The wooden spoon goes to all manufacturers of cheddar cheeses 'variations' that simply involve chucking something else in, such as herbs, cranberries, a bit of colouring or some 'smoked favour'. Grrrrrrrr....

The Alethiometer

The Alethiometer arises phoenix-like from the flames of my first ever blog, which I had to close following some rather over the top comments being added by others. Not regarding myself (sticks and stones... and all that), but about other people and I did not want to be associated with those words. For the time being I will mediate the comments facility carefully...

Often, when looking something up on the Internet, a chance link can take you in a completely different direction. I wanted to use a particular quotation regarding free speech in this entry since it was somehow appropriate, given that I had to close my blog down for a while:

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it. "

It is attributed to a French Enlightenment writer, who used the pen name (or nom de plume I suppose) of Voltaire. It is worth having a look at some of the other quotes attributed to him as many of them still have tremendous relevance.

Alas, despite being so 'enlightened' Voltaire also chose to voice profoundly racist views, probably in order to justify his own investments in slave-trading. So while I look forward to reading more about him, I'll have that fact at the back of my mind too. Having said that, I was still looking to close this entry with another Voltaire quotation:

"A witty saying proves nothing."

However, I wanted to take these musings on free speech a step further. Speaking our minds directly or broadcasting our thoughts via the multitude of media channels is of course something we take for granted. But as I read of the brutal police attack upon the Zimbabwean opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai following a political rally at the weekend, I was reminded how privileged we are to say pretty much what we want, when we want to. Tsvangirai exhibited tremendous bravery as he challenged the Mugabe regime in person, and was no doubt prepared for consequences. Which makes the last comments added to the blog all the more dismaying, as they served no moral purpose and were simply personal, spiteful and anonymous. We all like to gossip, but once words are recorded - especially on the Internet - they take on quite different properties. I found that out myself recently when my own name was googled by others.

The International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, created in 1966 has the following to say on free speech:

"The exercise of the rights [of freedom of expression] ...carries with it special duties and responsibilities. It may therefore be subject to certain restrictions, but these shall only be such as are provided by law and are necessary:
(a) For respect of the rights or reputations of others;
(b) For the protection of national security or of public order , or of public health or morals."

Both clauses are ones that the press continually choose to ignore by invading the lives of hapless celebrities and offering up their foibles to the world for ridicule (and for their profitability). More significantly, the second clause is brushed aside in the name of 'free speech' despite the inevitable consequences. Consider the repercussions of publishing the cartoons of Mohammad.

So my closing thought is this: The privilege we have to the right to freedom of expression and of speech should be something we value, exercise with care, and never squander.

Eat your heart out Jerry Springer...

Tainted Glove

In this world of CGI and hi tec entertainment, let's hear it for all those puppets that are - how can we say it without offending them - a bit home made. No expensive servos and animatronic gismos for them - just a man or woman with their hand stuffed in a glorified sock.

So I offer up my personal top four glove puppets:

• PG Monkey has demonstrated incredible resilience after his career was all but wrecked by the collapse of ITV Digital. Now he's back and on a desk near you.


• Flat Eric, whose career peaked with the famous Levis advert, but has since made a number of comeback ads including one with David Soul for Auto Trader.


• Zippy of Rainbow fame and constant companion to George. It was recently revealed that Zippy was involved in a video nasty back in the 70s, but has refused to comment publicly about this.


• Fingermouse - the most famous of the Fingerbobs, and made by 70s kids everywhere.

Also worthy of nomination are Emu, Zig and Zag, Lamb Chop, Basil Brush, Gordon T Gopher, Posh Paws and the entire cast of Button Moon.

I'd like to make a special mention of Hi!Monkey even though he is not a TV celebrity (as far as I know) he has several articles written about him. Hi! (if I can call him that) informs me that he is a terrycloth monkey and not a polar bear as previously reported. Sorry if I hurt your feelings Hi!, and you do raise a very valid point on the lack of dexterity among polar bears. This is probably why they never unwrap Penguins before eating them...

Notable omissions from the roll call are: Sooty, Roland Rat, Orville and Tony Blair who are all gits and I hate each one of them with a passion.

Regrettably I had to omit all Muppets, Aardman characters, Spitting Image and Gerry Anderson creations because they were too sophisticated, at least when compared to a sock.

Feel free to nominate any of your own favourites.

Blogroll paper

Blogs are the next big thing
Okay, so I’m a little behind the times I know, and this is only Week 2 of my ‘Life as a Blogger’, and the last day or so has been a little rocky now that people have worked out how to leave comments… But I’m of a generation that still thinks that digital watches are a pretty neat idea and once got a thrill out of a DEC Writer saying ‘Hello World…’ But I’m now thinking that all companies that employ white collar workers – or staff that are desk-based for at least some of the time – should consider blogs to be as essential a tool as Microsoft Word and email.

A couple of years ago, there was a flurry of management speak phrases that used the word ‘knowledge’ in them, such as such as knowledge economy, knowledge management and knowledge transfer. A lot of the bigger companies had already cottoned on to this idea many years before. They were quite aware that it wasn’t just staff that were the asset, it was what was in their heads. Henry Ford said that the‘…only real security that a man can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience and ability…’ at a time when computers only existed in science fiction.

Brain bug
But short of acquiring an alien creature like the one in Starship Trooper, getting that knowledge out of peoples brains and recycling and developing it has always been the problem. Large companies such as banks and insurance companies had the luxury of whole departments responsible for producing volumes of staff procedure manuals, training staff and even providing in house help desk facilities. Procedure manuals are on the intranet, the training is online and the help desk may be overseas, but the principles are still the same. Smaller companies had to rely far more on word of mouth and handwritten notes, ‘sitting with Doris’ and ringing a mate who ‘used to work here’.

Everything changed with the internet. Now you can download templates and follow best practice and industry standards. You can Google it, search a wiki or even other blogs. But if your job is in a niche area, or your query is confidential then you cannot always plunder the seemingly limitless bank of human knowledge that is out there.

But your colleague or even your predecessor may know the answer.

Intra-blog?
So: What if all companies provided their staff with the facility to maintain their own internal work related blogs as a matter of course? No more irregular emails ‘for information’ or weekly reports that few people read (let alone remember). The company intranet as a means of knowledge management within the average SME is generally lacking and costly to maintain, or so I am told...

Searching blogs could be the first port of call, and updating and maintaining them would simply be part of your job and as natural as completing your timesheet. Bosses shouldn’t be too anal abut the content – they should let it evolve over time and just provide a few basic guidelines to avoid abuse (Peter!), as they already do with internet use and email. Established blogs rely on content, not control. Many people actually like seeing their words in print - or type – look at me! And if people want a footy blog then let them have it as long as it can be filtered out. Find a couple of power users and let them show the others what can be achieved.

And with all that knowledge recorded and available, you’ll not be thinking to yourself, “I wish she’d given us a proper handover before she left.”

Oh, and there is such a thing as a blogroll, so there…

Monkey Magic

Not wanting to copy (I was going to say 'ape') the legendary Monkey News, but here are a few simian related items you may find amusing:

• PG Tips Monkey 'beanie': Has to be the hottest freebie, to be found attached to the side of boxes of teabags. Spotted in Tesco, and probably 'in all good supermarkets...' etc. Seen the new ads here, and you can find the original ITV Digital ads on YouTube - if you thought they were funny. Not to be confused with Flat Eric;


• Shocking Monkey Mixes: Peter 'Lawnmower Head' Gabriel's website has been inviting people to remix music on his RealWorld label, including his very own 80's hit 'Shock the Monkey'. Loads of great interpretations, showing a great sense of imagination, skill and humour. Try this, this and this.


• Weird Website: Not sure if http://www.himonkey.net/ is trying to be ironic or is simply a bit sad. Have a look for yourself (I think it looks more like a polar bear myself).


• The Nature of Monkey was Irrepressible!: For those that remember Monkey - the original 70s show - take a trip back down memory lane...

How very dare you!

This is institutionalised abuse, this is. And if it wasn't so bloody funny I would've switched the comments OFF. (Note to self: NEVER admit to your colleagues that you have a personal blog)

So do your worst - I very dare you. Just keep them clean or I'll have to switch comments off. The one about the monkey HAS to go...

The Return of Nitty Nora

This posting is not for the faint hearted...

Wow - two postings in one day! Here's the thing: No matter how well groomed your offspring are, and how regularly they wash, they are going to get nits - or head lice - at some time or another. All part of going to school and being with other kids.

So when I washed Tom's hair last night, I saw the familiar telltale signs of head lice eggs at the base of his hair. Not for the first time, so we were well prepared and able to treat his hair this evening using an existing supply of Full Marks Phenothrin mousse. The difference to the other times we have had to do this was that we decided to stick them under a microscope! Fantastic - Tom thought it was the best thing ever. Then came the master stroke - we stuck our digital camera over the eyepiece of the microscope and took some pictures. The one at the top of the page which looks like an eclipse is in fact one of the lice eggs that was adhered to the base of the hair. The one just below is of one of the lice themselves. And if you go here you will be able to watch a video clip of the little begger still moving!

Tom was quite proud of the fact that it was his scalp that had reared them. That's what comes of reading The Numskulls in The Beano and watching Doctor Who. Jane on the other hand was quite horrified. Must be a boy thing.

While I was Googling for a Wiki link to head lice, I found this link for the treatment of lice which I'll show Tom tomorrow. He thought I was joking when I said that once upon a time we would have had to shave his head! What was interesting was this article on the BBC website that basically says that a wet comb is far better treatment than all these lotions and potions. That seems quite reasonable since the little fella was still a-wriggling at the bottom of the bath. Still, it was nice to wash and dry Tom's hair - won't be long until he thinks it's too 'sad' to let me do that...

p.s. Nitty Nora was the nickname we gave to the nurse whose job it was to inspect our scalps when I was school

Equal rights for parents!

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others" - George Orwell's Animal Farm

"All players are equal, but some players are more equal than others" - Nintendo's Animal Crossing

My son and I were bought a Nintendo DS each for Christmas. Of course I was using him as an excuse for getting one for myself, on the pretext that it was "so we could play together", but I'm hardly the first, am I? Our dads would justify their buying Scalextric because it would allow them to 'bond' with their sons, then disappear up into the loft whenever there were jobs to be done. For our grandparents it was probably either Hornby trains or Mamod steam engines. Go back a few more years and no doubt parents were using their kids as the excuse for buying that extra piglet on market day. "But dearest wife, young master Ploppy would be most pleased if we were to purchase a young plump pig, which would serve as his faithful companion and friend." A couple of weeks later and dad is tucking into a tender pork baguette as he watches 'Celebrity Hangings' on the village green...

For those that don't know, the DS looks very much like the dual screen LCD Donkey Kong 'Game and Watch' of the early eighties. While the first DS (Dual Screen) looked a bit clunky, the DS Lite is much smarter and as likely to find its way into a jacket pocket as a school satchel. While Tom and I could've got different colours to avoid future confusion, we both thought that black was the coolest looking, so have one of those each and rely on the serial numbers to tell the difference.

So why one each? Well, the DS has a Wi-Fi feature as standard which allows multi-player gaming. I figured that we could play each other and he could let his mates borrow mine when they're around to play if they don't have their own. So far it's worked out well, apart from him thrashing me at Super Mario. We share our meagre collection of games, but 'mine' are Brain Trainer and a web browser which hooks into the wireless BT HomeHub. I don't let Tom use this as it has no parental controls whatsoever, but he doesn't seem that bothered about it anyway.

The game that we play the most regularly has to be Animal Crossing. The good thing is that it is (a) not a mindless shoot'em up and (b) is slightly less abhorrent than Nintendogs - which requires you to look after a virtual puppy. Not too sure how true to life this caring regime is, for example, does it require a virtual shovel to pick up after it? Can you have your Labrador puppy virtually 'put down' when you want to upgrade to a Pharaoh Hound? Would your virtual Pit Bull Terrier attack other players without warning?

So, back to Animal Crossing. You are a member of a village of your own naming, and you spend your time doing good deeds and running errands for your fellow villagers, while you earn money (or "bells") to pay your mortgage and buy things to make your life more comfortable. Think of it as a pocket Teen Second Life for younger kids (and parents). While the limitation of the game is that we can only play together if we have a game card each, we can still share the same house in the same village but have to take turns to play.

It's weird how art imitates life, well sort of, because I spend all my time trying to keep the money coming in. I have to pick cherries and shells to pay off the mortgage, water the plants and make my money grow by investing it. Turnips are the best thing at the moment, but we have expanded into growing imported peaches, as there is a better return.

Tom on the other hand squanders his bells on things we don't need such as totem poles, a hamster (when he ignores his real one) and flowers that I end up watering for him. Plus he leaves the living room in a mess when he goes to bed, although fortunately his virtual hamster cage doesn't smell of wee. Still the good thing is that we now have separate rooms in the house, so he can leave it in as much of a mess as he likes.

Jane is in the game too, but ever since her character came to 'live' in Animal Crossing she has rather wisely stayed in bed fast asleep. So maybe it isn't that lifelike after all, otherwise Tom and I would have run out of clean socks weeks ago, and the virtual hamster would be dead, and in a virtual shoebox in a sad little virtual grave next to the peach trees...

Dopplegangers

I must have one of those faces. So far, I have been 'confused' with three different celebrities:

1. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen: Hey not bad. True he is a little foppish, camp even, but the ladies love him (including my wife) and he is gifted and well groomed chap. This was the most popular comparison at one time, and when I acted as MC for a works 'do' I did go the whole hog and wear a BIG shirt, frock jacket and cravatte so I probably deserve this.




2. Alan Davies: Well oooookay, I can live with that too. Again, he is well liked and popular but a little but nerdy and geeky, don't you think? The likeness was first mooted when we were on holiday in France last year and it has been commented upon a couple of times since then. But his hair is a mass of 'natually permed' curls, whereas mine is just a mass. Plus his persona is that of a bit of a dunce on QI , so on balance I think I'll stick with Laurence if it's all the same to you.




3. David Shayler: Now hang on, what's going on here? While he is almost exactly the same age as me and has been brave enough to stand up and be counted (so he's a good decent sort of chap), the plain and simple truth is that is a little on the portly side! Plus he's not much of a babe magnet, is he? This was the most recent comparison to me that was made AND by somebody who had an uncanny resemblance to Louis Theroux.

Two acquaitances of mine have doubles, although rather distressing for them is the fact that they are dead rather than living celebrities: Peter Sellers and Peter Cook. So at least I still compare to one of the living, so I shouldn't complain...

Cat out of the bag...

I think that I may have worried some of my cast members on Tuesday night when I said that I had started up this blog. Perhaps they think it will be an exposé of wild and torrid goings on, along the lines of Popbitch? Unlikely - I very much doubt that tales of animated readings fuelled by tea and biscuit breaks in the local village hall are going to hit the tabloids. The only press coverage I want from our local paper is to either (a) miss the event altogether or (b) say that "Mark was not as rubbish as we thought he'd be..."

The enormity of this commitment is becoming all the more apparant, as our director warned us that it would be 'books down' in four weeks. When I signed up for this gig (I'm still going to tell that story in full another time), I did not appreciate how much there would be to learn. Over 300 lines I think, and unlike Monica (see here) I don't have any really meaty speeches. Much of my dialogue is conversational, which means that I have to respond to others around me. Our director divided up the play into bite sized chunks, and I thing the longest 'break' I get in the action is for about five pages...

We're starting our blocking in earnest in a week or two, but we are already beginning to find our way around the 'set' by using plastic chairs and a lot of imagination ("Here is the balcony, and the bar is over there..."). Having seen the initial plans, our set is going to be quite something - way more impressive than some of the sets I've sen from from other amateur drama groups.

Talking of admissions, I also came clean with my work colleagues that I was rehearsing for AEWGL (as it shall henceforth be known). Up until now, I thought that if I kept it under my hat and it all went a bit pear shaped that I could limit my public humiliation to 'just' my local community. But I decided that, since I generally do my best work when I'm under pressure that I'd pile it on some more. Quite surprised by the response, which was less incredulous than I had feared. But perhaps that's worse - they probably already have me pigeonholed as a bit of a luvvie, so they weren't in the least surprised...

Death and Tax Discs

Just a quick one today. I am doing these entries at lunchtime, but I went out today to get a new car tax disc. My silly fault - had I been as prepared as my wife, I could have done it all online. All she had to do was give them her reference number and they looked up the MOT and insurance details for her. Instead, I had to queue for half an hour in the post office. Still gets me out I suppose...

I'm starting to panic about learning my lines. The play is 80 pages long and I have a line or two on most every page. Last night Jane and I read the lines out loud and recorded them onto a CD for the car. Nine pages out of eighty, and I think I can remember the first four or so.

Anyway, here is a link to a website with loads of tips on how to remember your lines. Looks good, although there is no silver bullet - it's all down to hard work. I might try the 'whispering into a tape recorder' technique...

An Evening with Gary Lineker

No harm in reusing things, is there? I have no doubt that I shall use my blog as a source of inspiration / words for emails to people who don't know about its existence - which is the whole of the planet at this moment in time! (Note to self: do not overuse exclamation marks!)

I'm in a play, you see. Not quite sure how I got there, but it followed a particularly impressive panto production in January put on by a local amateur dramatics group. I confess to being a bit sniffy about such things, having been to the 'proper' theatre a lot before getting married. But I was genuinely surprised that people were willing and able to work hard and put as good a production (given the budget) as the so-called professionals...

More on the audition process later, but in the meantime I have 'reused' the words that we 'actors' had to put together for our director reflect our understanding / interpretation of the play. I will discuss my involvement with the world of 'Am Dram' in later postings, but you can probably now guess where the blog title came from. Here is what 'An Evening with Gary Lineker' means to me:

Football provides both a backdrop and a structure for this play. All of the characters are dysfunctional in one way or another, apart from perhaps Birgitta the young German, who seems fairly level headed and rather amused at the ‘real life’ farce that these strange English people around her are enacting. Perhaps she provides a POV for the audience?

Monica is disillusioned with her marriage and envious of Bill’s passion that is still alive for football, but not for her. She tries to ‘share’ this passion by fantasising about one of the players. Bill is either oblivious to this, or what is more likely is that he chooses to ignore it, either dismissing it as a running joke or by using the excuse of the World Cup as a reason not to discuss their relationship. Monica often speaks out to the audience, in a similar way to Michael Caine in ‘Alfie’ and the titular Shirley Valentine.

Dan is perhaps the person that Bill would like to be, as he seems to be having his cake and eating it too. They both share a passion for football - and Monica as it turns out - but Dan seems to have few other commitments. Despite having an affair with his wife, Bill seems to be rather fond of Dan and almost dismisses it out of hand. This camaraderie seems to be mutual, as he offers to leave Bill’s company to avoid any further embarrassment.

Alas, Ian is a rather tedious and self-centred individual, who is using this trip as an opportunity to be annoying, get laid, and / or get a new job by stealing Dan from Bill. However he does provide a useful comedy device for the play, both on his own and as a foil for others.

Although it has a somewhat surreal ending to it, the play seems to otherwise have all the traditional elements:

• Caricatures, apart from perhaps Birgitta who is almost a politically correct anti-caricature;
• Use of a metaphor device, in this case football, to examine the human condition;
• Passion, of people and of ‘The Beautiful Game’;
• Betrayal, of emotions and professional circumstances.
• Humour, both verbal and physical;
• A moral, in that real life often has to play second fiddle to obsessions, and that fantasies cannot provide any real answers.

And tonight Matthew, I shall be 'Bill' ;)